Saturday, November 20, 2004

The Onion | Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next Election
It's about time, don't you think?
WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the "extreme inefficiency" of this month's U.S. presidential election, key Republicans called for future elections to be conducted by the private sector... "Voters need an incentive to get to the polls," said potential contractor Fred Mitchelson of Accenture, formerly Arthur Andersen. "It's not like the old days when people were motivated by a sense of civic pride—that's just too Waltons. We're in negotiations to partner with. Best Buy. Under our plan, every voter would receive a coupon for 20 percent off any purchase up to $500—it would actually pay to go to the polls! It'd be great exposure for Best Buy and a fantastic opportunity for us to hit and exceed that magic six-zero. Oh, and this whole registration thing has gotta go." Mitchelson said prior elections failed to take advantage of the "vast potential for corporate tie-ins and advertising revenue." "There is a lot of untapped revenue in elections," Mitchelson said. "We could get sponsorship for every blank surface in the polling place easily—I mean everything, from the back of the ballot to the curtain itself. If we really want to break out of the box, we don't even have to stop at surfaces. We could pipe music by Sony recording artists into the voting booths."

Remember--this is satire. See how quickly reality catches up to it. Here is McKenzie's First Law of Politics: American politics is rapidly reaching the point where it will be impossible to satirize because every absurd thing will have happened or at least been proposed.


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